Or mine either, yet here it is...
If you haven’t heard about the backlash received by Alicia Keys for not wearing makeup lately, Colin Kaepernick for sitting, Gabby Douglas for not placing her hand across her chest while the national anthem was played (things I do as well), Blue Ivy for resembling her father more than her mother, or Nate Parker’s (now 36 years old) acquittal on a rape case as a 19 year old college student, look it up. Now, just because you choose not to apply makeup to your face as a self-love decision, use your legs to stand or put the hand attached to your body across your chest as a traditional symbol of patriotism and loyalty to this country- the land of the “free”, doesn’t mean that you are not patriotic or that you intentionally meant any disrespect. Even if they were and did, they are well within their rights to do so as much as anyone else is, professional athlete, Olympian or not. Because no one can see what is truly in their hearts. Because plenty of women send their daughters to school looking the exact same way or worse. Because no one can make you feel offended without your consent. And because, who cares?
An acquittal does not by any means right wrongdoing, it does not erase or conclude the conversations to be had about consent, it does not force the person to admit they were wrong to gain your support or appease you, it does not negate the mental health, suffering, and subsequent suicide of the accuser, nor does it make you or not make you a rapist. What these circumstances do provide are opportunities for FORWARD thinking, dialogue, and action regarding advocacy and education for and about affirmative and continuous consent, sexual violence, social, psychological, and cognitive schema, mental health and well-being, ego, boundaries, gender roles, privilege, human behavior, alcohol, the brain, the law, saying no and accepting no for an answer, criticism, racism, injustice, labeling, bullying, the power and pain of our words or actions, and the very serious implications of all. It also provides an opportunity for you to mind your business, look at yourself in the mirror, get out of your feelings authenticity, accountability, objectivity, empathy, acceptance, and forgiveness. That’s very difficult to do in 2016. Because, well, America. Too often, we miss the mark, the real issues at hand.
Pasts- we all have them. It is likely that we have done, had something done to us or know of someone who has done something that is frowned upon, that we aren’t too proud of, or that is illegal, immoral, unethical, abhorrent, or disrespectful in someone’s eyes. And today, we have learned from those experiences- perhaps very painfully and certainly not unscathed. I couldn’t possibly live my life freely if I never forgave myself for being in a situation where a group of boys attempted to, by legal definition unbeknownst to me at that time, “gang rape” me at 15 years old, with zero consent on my behalf, regardless of whether or not those involved acknowledged their wrongdoing. I cannot force accountability. I cannot judge. It is not my job to do so either. What I can do is make the decision to talk to someone, get some help, and release the hold that any given situation and/or traumatic event, has on my life in order to actively learn from my past, be it proud or painful, and move forward. Unfortunately, not everyone makes it to that point of healing, peace, and understanding.
On destructive criticism... In a world where everyone is offended and has an opinion more pronounced than ever before, where we seldom agree to disagree because someone always has to be correct, know that your past does influence, but does not define the life you choose to live today. The only person you have to answer to when it’s all said and done is you. It’s humbling to know that we all come into this world and leave out the exact same way, enter as a body and exit as bones and spirit, and so, the judgement and criticism that isn’t the least bit constructive, is not my territory. Destructive criticism makes the false assumption that one can learn from past mistakes, speak out on a cause important to them, inspire others, grow up, or bless the world with their talents by feeling bad about themselves, being shamed, boycotted, or bullied. Or mocked because someone else's child looks more like their biological father than their biological mother. Or told that you “don’t count” or cannot speak on, stand (or sit) for certain topics concerning race because of the position you hold and because you are mixed race (which as a mixed race woman, is a topic I'll save for another post) by people who look just like you (or don’t) and support you only when you’re doing what they want you to do by not making less than desirable decisions that aren’t to their liking. Teachable moments become null and void.
Whether or not you feel that Alicia Keys is anti-makeup and throwing shade to those who are pro-makeup, great. Whether or not you believe Colin Kaepernick has no idea about and subsequently cannot speak to Black oppression because of where he is at in his career and the fact that he was adopted and raised by White parents, great. Whether or not Gabby Douglas shoulda, coulda, woulda put her hand across her chest and you a feel certain way about it, great. Whether or not you feel that Blue Ivy would be cuter if she looked more like Beyonce than Jay-Z, great. Whether Nate Parker is a rapist in your opinion or you are going to support “The Birth of a Nation” or not, great. Regardless of how you feel towards any situation, I’m just thankful that God or any Higher Power that resonates with you (if any), does not hold our past and present convictions, transgressions, and the hurtful things that we have said and done to ourselves and others against us or hold us to the same standards nor judge, label, criticize, or write us off in the same way that we do one another daily. We’d might as well give up now if that were the case... That’s favor, grace, and privilege for you.
Be objective, be kind. Say what you mean without being mean. Keep in mind that when you don't have anything nice to say, that does not give you permission to say it anyway. Because many times, no one asked for your opinion in the first place.
Also on The Huffington Post