The leaves are changing, and so are we. I recall one specific night (of many) of insomnia some time ago in which I woke up, out of nowhere, to a text with links to songs sent to me from a once love. These songs reminded me of the acceptance and unconditional love that I had grown to learn but struggled to implement toward the end of our relationship. And a reminder of the flaws that exist in all of us and the insecurities that destroyed everything we'd touch. And the expectations we set for each other in our own minds that neither of us could live up to. Too much to unpack and process, I turned my phone face down on the night table and returned to my sleeping position, on my stomach with both hands under the pillow. I closed my eyes in another unsuccessful attempt at sleep.
Flashbacks of an alarm being set to go off at 3:00am as a cue for me to go home by a different man at a different period of time in my life that I had grown to like came to mind. And how, after a separate night of family, fun, and libations, I got out of the bed we shared and tried to say goodbye to him until we'd see each other again. And how he just lay there and said goodbye with no eye contact. And how I walked through the lobby in the threads and heels of the night before. And how I had never in my life felt the sting of shame as I did that morning. And the subsequent emptiness I felt from the conversation that I initiated a couple of days later.
He told me that all this time, we were just “having fun”, seeing how things go, rather than explaining how and when this strictly friends-with-benefits situationship I didn't know we had going on in the first place came about. And that despite our contact two days prior, another woman would be his next girlfriend and how he
made the decision for me
didn’t feel that he was the “right man” for me. And how he prefaced the entire conversation by saying that he enjoyed the time that we’d spent together over the past several months and reiterated
some shit I already knew and didn’t need for him to tell ME about myself
how great of a woman I am. We walked to his car and hugged- a long, awkward, this is it type of hug. I wished him well and he thanked me for being happy for him. An imperfect gentleman, for the first time since I’d known him, he allowed me to walk myself to my car. I sat in the driver's seat with thoughts and feelings of disappointment in how authentic he had come across all of this time and how wrong I had been. I wanted to have a reason to cry or pop off because, typically, that's what Cancers do in situations like this. Instead, I just drove off. And I haven't seen him since.
No more late nights or lunch breaks spent Google searching every article I could find to help me decipher and psycho-overanalyze every single mixed signal, action, and event that took place, or our horoscope compatibility, or "what does it mean when he pays for EVERYTHING?", or "what does it mean if he suggests that we drink out of the same water bottle or share a dessert or he offers me some of his food?" or "what does it mean when he lets me keep his clothes?" No more calling my brothers or cousins and asking them why he would offer and why I would accept breakfast after a night before or why we would spend part of the day talking, laughing and watching our favorite shows together on his couch. He enjoyed my company or was just being "nice."
I decided awhile ago not to play myself and that I can be fooled no more. No more deleting numbers out of my phone after not hearing from someone for some time because they're busy, all to store it again when I was hit up at their convenience. No more making excuses and frivolously distributing the "benefit of the doubt." No more pillow talk or falling asleep wrapped in arms of emptiness or building intimacy through contact or initiating any lunches and dinners that ended in sex or conversations about God and church or our careers or future or goals or our families or good times well spent with his friends and/or mine or not even knowing where this was going. No more waking myself up in the middle of the night to random cries that welcomed the tears of naivety to soak my pillow and silence me to sleep or going through the motions and stages of breakups with men I was never in a committed relationship with in the first place.
Be honest with your intentions. The worst that can be said is "nah" and the worst that can be done is taking away a person's CHOICE to continue being involved in some bullshit a situation that you know they nor you would ever agree to or be content with. Period. As a woman in 2016, I think that we are conditioned to "go with the flow" so as not to agitate or put pressure on the man that we have our eyes on in hopes that they will eventually choose us or that things will simply work out. A past "daddy issue" of mine. BUT...
What if you knew that you have already been chosen?
We are also conditioned to hold on to what we have for fear of never being able to experience a like or love like that again, even when it’s unhealthy and doesn’t cultivate growth. This almost always ends in one-sided heartache and disappointment, as we will have felt misled, deceived, used, humiliated, naked, stuck, and ashamed at the fact that we fell for it, again. What did I miss this time? And sure, the above sounds triflin' and we can figure out who was the victim and who was the bullshitter, but I have to take accountability for my own bullshit to a certain extent because there are several instances where I knew what it was before I KNEW what it was. That's intuition. We don't have to like it, but we cannot afford to ignore it. We set the standard, we hold the boundaries, and we teach others how to treat us by what we allow. We'll either sell ourselves short or demand to be paid in full. Period. It's your choice. Have courageous conversations, take your power back, and ask the tough, uncomfortable questions whose answers initially may hurt and sting a little, may leave you lost, feeling insecure, vulnerable, or STUPID, but are necessary. The pain of sticking around and holding on past an expiration date is far worse than the temporary pain that comes (and goes) from just letting go.
Even in the midst of times of uncertainty found in the countless interactions I have had over the years, I am reminded daily of my worth, to never settle for being treated as a convenience or option over priority, and that a happier and even more blessed life full of what is truly meant to last awaits and is just beginning, because (though I choose others daily) today and always, I choose me.
"With love, take yourself seriously."
You don't ask someone to take you seriously, you demand that.
Best advice I ever got.