*inserts trigger warning here*
it’s the first of the month, the exact middle point of what has truly been a leap year. Life can be beatin my ass and I just… surrender. But first, I’d find myself stuck between a rock- an anchor of sorts- and hard places, minimal spaces. And then I’d remember and accept that I’m a wanderer at heart, and freedom means a lot to me. So, I set myself free from what has hands down been unparalleled, a treacherous and transformative past year of life, just like that. Because seasons change, ya know? Many shifts have taken shape, ups and downs, highs and lows, balancing acts between staying in motion and being completely silent and still, hardships and a dissonance in holding on and letting go, wins and windows of opportunities to grow. Here, I am. Changing again, the only constant. Sometimes, life changes you in such a way that you will never be the same. With that, I proceed with a deep, inner knowing that the Source sees things we don’t or that we choose to fail to see and is ahead of it all without any explanation. Sometimes, there are no words, only faith, but I’ll certainly do my best in communicating truth because you never truly know what someone else is going through and how vulnerability, transparency, empathy and love can heal, even in the smallest ways. If over the past year (or ever), you’ve lost a grandparent, a job, a relationship, a friend, a child, or anyone or anything at all, I’ll start off by saying, simply put, I feel you. What started off as a letter to myself is now one, for all of us.
It’s still wild to me that our forever-loved Poppy’s final resting place was NOT in his recliner, in front of the television, though he did visit me in a dream a week after his transition doing so, letting me know in spirit that he arrived on the other side safely. Because the spirit never dies, and I stopped counting the restless, sleepless nights that remind me of this. All that is physically left of him is lifeless skin and bones now, dressed in a gray suit with a burgundy tie that I matched to the burgundy dress I wore at his funeral, closed and locked shut in this small ass wooden box, buried 6 feet into the ground with dirt and grass grown over his marked spot. Sobering, the thought and reality that I will never, ever hear his voice saying “heyyyyy, Brit!” when he’d pick up the house phone for our less than five-minute conversations, nor see him shake his head at a bad joke or anything that he thought was stupid, nor receive another “happy birthday #1 granddaughter” text from him on my birthday, again. And since the soul doesn’t know a thing about time, his soul, his legacy lives on to me and I am even more sure of God’s love and who God is for real, truly carried by and in step with God since June 2, 2023, moment by moment.
We all held our breaths in anxiety, hope, shock and disbelief that entire day; from the morning he coded and was rushed to the hospital, through the late afternoon of his final sunset. He didn’t ponder or trivialize too much in life, if at all, and he was far too certain and accepting of life as it is what it is, on his terms. Nothing more, nothing less. That’s a life well-lived to me and because God’s timing is always perfect, there are no losses in that. He was ready, even if we were not. And I’m here to tell you, WE WERE NOT. Because when are you ever truly ready to miss forever, someone who is never coming back? I can’t help but wonder now what? Or what’s next? Or… that’s it? Or to feel so full of love, an indescribable and very unusual peace that passes all inner and understanding, an avid curiosity about my Poppy’s earthly passing and what death, and more importantly what life means to me these days. Death is for certain; we will all die one day, we’ll never know when, and there isn’t much we can do about that except to live life as if we only pass through here once and to love on those we love while we are all still here.
“Grief is just love with no place to go.”
indeed.
and That’s a feeling I know all too well after meeting my latest black, female doctor for the first time. She looked me straight in the eyes to let me know with certainty that my pregnancy wasn’t viable. Streams of sadness rolled down my face at the almost unreasonable reality that days like this could and always do come- nothing lasts forever, and shit can happen or change at any time, for no reason at all whatsoever. There isn’t always a deserving factor for loss, so I don’t see it as such. And it all happens so fast. Meanwhile, remaining as present and balanced as humanly possible for daily life that goes on and on, no matter what’s going on. Changing my number, deactivating for weeks and months at a time, muting, blocking, unfollowing, and removing as a follower have been my best friends and have saved my life countless times because The internet can be such a poisonous place when you’re feelin some kinda way or in an uncomfortable space (or both). and I prioritize what my life is actually like in reality over what it looks or feels like from a scroll of a moment on social media. They’re just moments, anyways.
i believe that everything truly happens for a reason and whether we love it or not, people do grow apart, and good things do come to an end. so, I’ve found purpose in my goodbyes and farewells, every quiet exit, reaching a point in the connections of my past where I simply stopped trying because resistance and force seemed to meet us where there should be more flow and consideration, and because I kept catchin strays left and right, simply by being connected to certain people. And it’s nothing to take personally. Some friendships and relationships simply shouldn’t be as difficult or distant as they are, and some don’t make us feel good about ourselves or are too much or aren’t enough even when we are giving our absolute best. and I respect that. There are no victims nor villains, no one to truly blame, and quite honestly, we’re all lowkey a little weird in our own respective ways, so do with that what you will. i believe that no love is ever lost and for whatever reasons we had or did not have for parting ways, I release us all in the healthiest, most mutual way, and with love one way or another, lighter and better than when we first met. Any love I gave is yours to keep for a lifetime.
Leaving the past behind me, not for comparison, but for reference, I speak from my now, re-emerging self, a softer, more sober, balanced, boundary-full life. i sent a non-negotiable good riddance to Charlotte and the five years spent there (the longest I’ve stayed in one city as an adult), the city I grew the most yet felt the smallest and most unsafe in, home to some of the most bittersweet years of my life to date- with absolutely no regrets, just gratitude. It took me awhile to make peace with that. of all the places i’ve lived, charlotte is the one place I had to shrink myself in to survive and small not because I am small at all, but because sometimes it’s your environment that’s keeping you that way- small, stuck, stagnant, sick, broke, broken, bored, confused, cautious, uninspired, unhappy, depressed, and anxious. no longer worrying about the heavy weight of my six-figure student loan debt, nor seeing it as this dark cloud storm over my life anymore, I’ve allowed myself this fresh start, a clean slate though my great escape has not been easy. I’d been in preparation for this, waiting for the universe to align everything in God’s perfect timing. I couldn’t have timed everything better. Thank you, Charlotte, for the waiting, for the wading, for the pause, for the posture, for the patience it took for me to do the work to be in perfect position when God said it was time, despite the hell going on within and around me. And I’m still working.
There have been countless detours, full stops, yields, proceeding with caution and care, throwing it all away or completely jumping ship in the form of an effective immediately notice when jobs have you fucked up and that’s in part because the journey IS the destination, a solid support system is everything, all of this is temporary, and the road less traveled by makes all the difference. I’m a living witness and testimony that no matter the dream deferred, your gifts, skills, talents, education, experiences, stories, and abilities will make room for you in rooms you’ve only dreamt or thought of. And I’m just beginning.
Welcome and appreciate it all, stay ready, bet on yourself, and believe in the promise of what lies on the other side, even when you can’t see or unsee it with your eyes, every time. If the promise you put your faith in doesn’t play out the same exact way you believed and hoped it to, keep believing in the best anyway. I’ve had to condition myself (and that’s hard as hell sometimes) to choose not to complain and how to be content amid all the grief and other assorted bullshit. But you must face and experience things, there’s no easier way around it and the only way out is through. And trust me, you’ll get through it. I choose to keep God first and foremost in all my thoughts and ideas, all my prayers, hopes, dreams, and desires, and to only focus on all the good things as I move toward the abundance of my future. because we have a choice. Praying that God keeps me fragile and gracious, not hardened and only leaning into catalysts that affirm the calling God has assigned to my life, only toward what is loving, and self-aware. I’ve seen so many versions of myself, ruled by the moon with so many phases but this is my favorite one thus far. God, please keep me calm, obedient, in alignment and accountable, because although I’m awesome, I’m not perfect and that awareness is my superpower. a shining star fa sho.
i wrote this for those of us who are onto something for sure but ain’t quite where we wanna be nor have we arrived just YET. But we trust the process, we stay in motion, and we are well on our way. I’m thankful for God’s protection and grace, for giving me one last chance, after chance, after chance, after chance and for free-will ways out of situations that could have altered the direction of my life completely. Yet, I’m protected still. And for the spirit of movement. I occupy an even more sacred space with a clean and open heart now. Honored by what a privilege it is to know that God trusts me enough to bestow upon me certain challenges that only I can handle, all to be blessed with the overflow of so much more when it’s all said and done in the end, even when I don’t see it in front of me.
I’m no stranger to nor that far removed from overdraft fees hitting my bank account because I ain’t have it, or borrowing and paying back money that I needed to make ends meet in between paycheck to paycheck or needing a cosigner or making $20-50 stretch a whole week, my mattress being on the floor until I was able to afford a bedframe or starting from the very bottom more than once, the kinda shit people make viral Twitter jokes about. And after literal years of so many deaths, so many births, and so much life even without some things developing to full term, so much drowning, gasping for air and finding it difficult to breathe, treading in, out, and through life’s waves and depths, I’m finally swimming somewhat steadily, strokes at my own pace, and with precision. It is a lil strict around here these days, but finally I’m at a level where I can see the sun kiss the water’s surface, headed towards the beautiful shore now. And while I have for certain charged some shit to the game, everything, all things are working out just for me, never against me, and nothing is ever a loss. This is peace.
Keep swimming. 😊
Love, Brit