You ever feel like you just don’t belong here? Not in an I wanna take my life away (been there) kind of way, but in a ‘was earth REALLY the best destination you had for me, God?’ way. Yet I am here. On a shero’s journey if you will. An ego death. At times, asking God, ‘wtf?’ when I should’ve been asking myself that after choosing to singlehandedly build an identity around being a sad and mad bitch whether I liked to admit it or not. I face my true self once and for all. Naturally always suspicious and guarded, anger, complaints, and finding something wrong, anything at all, was my outward manifestation of that, my specialty.
My forgiveness runs deep, my forgetfulness impossible. I remember every detail of every life experience, every moment. A double-edged sword, vibrant recollections of all the good things, and ALL of the bad. I do not let go easily and it’s a challenge to move on from some of it. Feeling like an imposter, doubting myself, and finding it hard to believe and accept that people can really change despite how much I love shaking shit up. Nothing and no one is perfect. Not even me.
I’ll never forget that one time while living in Houston, I was selected for a networking meet up, sitting at a table with some of the cities shining black girl magic. We started off by taking turns introducing ourselves as we would to the world, me asking to skip my turn more than once. Very cringe after a certain point, I was the last to share with nothing to say, no way with words about who I was at that time outside of the work I did to pay the bills, degrees I had, shit I’ve done, places I had traveled to. I felt like nobody and there was no one around who could tell me otherwise, because what did I even know myself? Pushing myself past the point of comparison to anyone else.
So I started writing. Holy words, affirmations, and manifestations long before I ever really knew a thing, yet I still knew. Because some of us do in fact know better. We call that wisdom and wise counsel while also knowing that I know nothing at all except the little I do know. And to never project what I lack in experience onto others who have it. Ever growing and that counts for something. I adjust my posture, walking and living in the depths of my father, the grace of my mother. In this season, feeling everything sober and unafraid, I release all my vices. Choosing to take care of myself for me because loving myself as the default, my baseline, hits different. You can dim your own light by being the light you think that people wish to see. I care less about the thoughts of others. I have reached a point where no longer are there any voids to fill in my life at all. I come to you in peace, wholeness and completion, a work in process. full in my foundation with infinite space for growth, welcoming new beginnings, and opportunities. A lover of self.
“Finally, I am coming to the conclusion that my highest ambition is to be what I already am. That I will never fulfill my obligation to surpass myself unless I first accept myself, and if I accept myself fully in the right way, I will already have surpassed myself”
Seeing myself the way God designed me to be and to have confidence in who I am, in this form, becoming more disciplined in controlling what I can, watering or working out those parts and broken spaces. I grew to love every inch of me as if I were “perfect” this entire time. Embraced who I am, I am no mistake. My relationship with my body, a whole ass work of art, a vessel to take care of and enjoy, has changed completely. I am learning to love my truest form without any alterations, modifications, or enhancements, and focusing on the parts of me I sometimes enjoy the least, tending to them more intentionally.
I know who I am now. At the very least, I tell myself that every day that comes and the same as it passes. A self-fulfilling prophecy. I manifest in me. I invest in me. I only want to be around souls who bring out the best in me and I don’t feel bad about that.
i trust and believe in every God given and perfect person, place, and thing for my best life. I love myself enough to never settle and to always choose me over anything, any person, any circumstance that distorts my reality, disturbs my peace, and doesn’t feel right. I have the right to honor, trust, and feel my feelings and intuition and use both as guides along my divine path and journey. what’s kept me alive has been knowing and reminding myself of who i am and have always been in God’s eyes, what truly makes me happy, remembering what peace looks and feels like despite the chaos surrounding me. If I ever second guess myself, I know how to go within as a reminder that I’m home. And that’s a beautiful space to be in. Happy lovE DAY, yall.
—nobody